Too Heavy to Breathe

[Jasper]

It unnerved him how silent she was. The guilt he felt in his chest was nothing compared to the growing awareness of what he had done. Too many things where there that he had to process, from his thoughts, to his action. Nothing had ever been clean cut with him, everything had been considered over carefully and it had not settled his guilt. He had not made the decision lightly but they were so close to all dying. Simba's children, his mate, the people left behind who had lost their families. He could still hear the wailing, the crying, and it made his heart ache as if there was a mile wide hole in his chest cavity.

He knew, there was a strong chance that she would not believe him. That no one would, but some part of him had hoped they would. He was not one for lies, he was terrible at it really. He could not steel his expressions as much as he tried. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and now it bled profusely and he could not halt it. He was tormented, in agony over his decisions and no amount of repair would fix it.

"You," He sighed. "...you don't have to believe me. You don't have to believe a word I said, you can hate me and damn me if you want Hikaru. I know you came here to get away from the Legion, from what they've done... I will not call myself a good man. I never have been, and I will not make excuses." His gaze glared at the floor below them. A deep frown coating his features.

"But this army, is not just an army. It never has been, it is my family and I will die to protect it. The people in it. I will do whatever is necessary to keep everyone here safe, even if..." He fell silent. Pain clear as day on his face. "...even if it meant having to buy them time just for a few more days. What I did was wrong. I know it was. But he was a danger to himself, and to everyone around him. I stayed the attack on us for a few more weeks, weeks that gave all of us time to grow so we weren't sitting ducks. I did what Simba asked. I did what I promised him I would do when I took my position as his second in command."

[Hikaru]

"..." Hikaru's silence carried for a bit longer, her thoughts and feelings hidden behind a mask of nothing. Did she even have any feelings? After a long moment she finally spoke with an even voice, almost dull and flat, "You are my superior, sir. It is not my place to condemn you."

There was a difference now. Whatever... trust, closeness?... that had been there was gone. It was so subtle, one wouldn't have even noticed it was there until it was gone. Even Hikaru hadn't noticed it. She had been opening to this man. If only just a little bit. There had been a trust.

It was gone now. Whatever it had been.

However, she had given him her loyalty. She had never given that loyalty to Sykes. She had never given that loyalty to Maleficent, no matter how much Crow had been grooming her. But Jasper, Jasper she had promised to serve. Even in the light of these events, she would still serve him. Honor his orders.

She was his soldier to use.

[Jasper]

The change in her tone, however little noticeable it was caused a cold chill to trickle up his chest. He heard the change and noticed it as if he had broken something and he felt himself lean away to look at her. Her words felt like cold iron being pressed against warm skin and it felt like his heart was in his throat.

The feeling past only when confusion entered his train of thought. His brows knitted together as he gazed at her, as if wondering what to say next. His hefty feelings of guilt still weighed heavy on him, but now the weight of this had weighed on him as well. Bitterly so.

He searched for words, and in place of what usually would be nothing he found something. "Hikaru," It was difficult to say her name, painful even. "Emori." Such a strange feeling to say a part of her name he usually did not but it felt like utter importance to do so. "I do not expect you to.. forgive me. To change whatever is in your mind, but don't say you don't have a right to condemn me. You have worked hard for your place here, among the Freedom Fighters. You have every right to say what may be on your mind," He shook his head. "I am not your superior right now, if I want to be then I wouldn't have admitted to you- that... the mess I have caused. I confided to you as a friend and-" He scrubbed a palm over his face.

"I don't know the past you have had. I can only guess as to what has occurred, but you aren't in the past anymore. You have your freedom, a place here, and that means you also have a voice Hikaru. I do not wish for you to silence it..."

[Hikaru]

Hikaru wasn't of Japanese blood, but her father had been. He had raised her with his culture. Jasper switching to refer to her by her surname instead of her given name confirmed the shift in their relationship. Perhaps he may not understand the significance, perhaps he did. But there it was. However, the shift to a formal distance clashed with his following words.

He caught her off guard with his focus on what she thought. It didn't matter, didn't it? It had happened. What she thought really didn't matter. But it seemed of utmost important to Jasper. His words were sincere, and when he called himself her friend, Hikaru didn't know how to feel. Hikaru flicked her gaze downward to think, to organize the feelings he had stirred up. A part of her was still compartmentalizing her feelings. Erasing them because they didn't matter in the face of these events. But Jasper's gaze on her and his insistence brought them out again.

Slowly, Hikaru exhaled and then met his eyes again.

"Sir," the formality was still there, but it was less... empty, "I am unsure what to think. But... I will still fight for you regardless."

This was the best she could do for now. This compromise. Hikaru didn't know what to think or feel about this. Jasper had done just as Sykes would. Murder others for his own ends. But there was a difference in the two. She couldn't quite explain it. But it was there, and it was important. That would have to do for now.

[Jasper]

His relationship with her was shaken, if not broken, and he did not know what to say or do. To address her by Emori, or Hikaru, everything was such a mind bobbling mess that he felt the need to backtrack a thousand paces to correct the wrongs he had just committed. However, no amount of backtracking would correct it right in the current moment. He felt his brows knit together at her reply and he forced himself not to push for more resolve.

It was a difficult task but he pulled away from her, shutting away his personal feelings as he had done many times before. He then forced himself onto his feet, and went about restructuring his tent that he had torn into shambles only moments before. His expression lacked emotion, but his hues showed the conflict inside of him. No longer sure of anything around him.

"I apologize for the disturbance... You..." He sighed, his hands rubbed down the side of his face. "You may go back to guard duty, Hikaru... There shouldn't be another outburst like that again."

[Hikaru]

Jasper's weight shifted, and then he pulled away from her. She let him. She could recognize the way his expression steeled. The fight to quell inner-turmoil. She was well versed in it. Hikaru could see it. So she didn't push. Instead, she stood up, letting him correct the mess he had made of his space. A physical parallel to him trying to correct his own emotions.

Hikaru tilted her head, eyes looking over Jasper. Reading him. Eventually, she nodded firmly.

"I'll return to my rounds, sir," with a nod Hikaru made her way to the exit. But she halted just before exiting, looking back at Jasper one more time. It was difficult to tell what she was thinking. If she wanted to say something else to change the air between them... after a long moment she left the tent.

Maybe if she hadn't taken that moment, hadn't hesitated before exiting, she might have seen the shadowy figure dashing away from the conversation it had just over heard...