Too Heavy to Breathe

[Jasper]

February 12th, Year 1

Sleep had become difficult for him the deeper they got into the war, he had once been able to handle the burdens of leadership but it seemed like the deeper he got involved in this hellscape the worse it got. What once was hopeful dreams were now turned bitter and cold and full of no purpose. The loss of his brother had hit him hard like a freight train crashing off the tracks, but never in a thousand years had he thought he would react the way he had. Losing what he thought was the only family he had left was his tipping point but...

Nevada was alive. His husband was alive, and now despite the loss of their first child they had a new one, Shani, and they had Zamora now too. They had Hikaru and Silver, a mismatched family, but a family none the less. They had all these people that cared for them, he had all these people that had his back. People he would have never thought would have his back but they did. They did and he-

He didn't deserve them.

His hands shook as he rubbed circles against his temples, his tiredness slowly driving him mad. His inability to rest causing him to be sloppy. It felt like every day now dragged on longer than the next and horrid memories of the past reoccurred every night and made his mental state worse. He couldn't handle the pressure of it, the burden that he held on his shoulders and what he had done. He had done something so incredibly wrong...

"I trusted you!"

A voice that was clear as the night sky screamed through his head and he flinched, his nails bit the flesh of his head to try and jerk himself back into reality. His breath exhaled shakingly as he rubbed the palms of his hands over his face. He couldn't think about it, he couldn't think about him but the more he tried the louder his voice became. A friend, a leader, a king. A king driven mad by his ambitions just like his Uncle. He had become a danger to himself, to those around him. It was a necessary decision. It-

Jasper, help me!

Again he jerked at the voice, a broken sound leaving him before his palm collided with the side of his head. "Shut up," He begged. "Shut up, shut up-" He whimpered as his palms soon gripped the edge of his desk but the pleas just grew worse in his skull. His friend's voice echoed like a whirlwind until it was too much to bear any longer.

"SHUT UP!"

He shoved the desk forward, it crashed to the ground with a thud along with him. The leader of the Freedom Fighters on his hands and knees, his hands gripped his skull as hot tears ran down his cheeks. His body shook with the effort to even try to hold his weight up, his head soon meeting the rug on the floor as mismatched glowing hues shut tightly, a sad attempt to try and block out everything around him.

He had made his choice then but now the weight of his guilt had crushed him into nothing.

[Hikaru]

The night air was cool in the Freedom Fighter camp. Hikaru's boots crunched lightly on the dust as she patrolled lightly around the area. She was on guard duty this evening, her route focusing mostly on the tents of the council members and Jasper himself. While they were more than capable of defending themselves and extra layer of protection against assassination never hurt. Especially in the face of having lost one leader already.

She was back in her armored coat and gear. Hikaru always wore full attire when on assignment. She didn't care that others might find it 'overkill'. She'd rather be prepared. The sense of security was worth the weight and cumbersome attire. Hikaru was accustomed to it, and in fact felt almost vulnerable and naked with out at least 3 weapons hidden on her person at all times. 

At least the cool night air helped alleviate some of the discomfort of her layers of gear. No matter how accustomed she grew to the weight, heat exhaustion was always a threat. Hikaru unclipped a water flask from within her coat and took a pull of water from it. It was cooler at night, yes, but she still sweated under the layers and needed to hydrate.

"SHUT UP!"

Hikaru dropped her water flask and dashed towards Jasper's tent before the water had even splashed to the ground changing the serengeti dust into mud.

Hikaru burst through the tent flaps pistol drawn. She covered the space with a quick sweep, arcing across all the corners to cover the entire space and to avoid being surprised from behind. Hikaru held her pistol forward clasped in both her hands to steady her aim. She cleared the room of enemies and took in Jasper's huddled form on the ground in seconds. Hikaru snapped the safety on her gun and holstered it and then immediately knelt by his side. She refrained from touching him.

"Jasper..." her voice was naturally quiet, but in this instance it sounded almost soothing, "Sir, whats wrong?"

Hikaru's eyes flashed over Jasper, taking in his form quickly. She was assessing for wounds, blood, anything. He seemed physically well at a glance but he most definitely wasn't with the way he was huddled to the ground and clutching at his head. Was he ill? His face was twisted in obvious pain and tears were coursing from his eyes.

What was torturing him so?

[Jasper]

Her voice sounded millions of miles away from him as he attempted to battle the demons within his head. The world around him rapidly crushed inward and his racing thoughts did not cease. They only grew in tempo and speed, rushing to the core of his mind like a typhoon before finally and abruptly colliding with its target and making him physically flinch.

It was a violence in his head that he did not want. It would not waver, would not hesitate, it's assault was violent with the intention that would reap havoc on even his soul. It was an uncontrollable force, the guilt and the burden of what he had done coming to full toll in his heart and head. He should have known that the lack of his own self-care and sleep would come to this toppling point but he had so foolishly ignored his own body's signs of internal disaster and now he suffered for those decisions. The take over would not stop, he knew it would not and even though consciously he knew it, it still felt like the most overwhelming presence in his entire body.

His tears stung hot against his frigid cheeks and every breath felt like fire as he gasped for it. It began harder to intake the breath he needed next, as though a ton of bricks pillared on his chest physically crushing him with their weight no matter how much he attempted to nudge it off of his core. There was no cease in this battle.

The breaking sound of a sob echoed out of the Freedom Fighter leader, barely above a whisper. The sound was hoarse and pitiful, choking and gasping for whatever air he could grip and then another one came. Choking on the sound that left his body as if attempting to silence himself with no success. The attempt was worthless though, Hikaru had already discovered him upon his shouting but he could not find himself to care. Too many years of a practiced habit to attempt to break it.

It was only when Hikaru asked if he was alright that he seemed to realize that she was there. Tear-filled mismatched hues gazed up at the other, his hand now clasped over his mouth trying to silence the ugly sounds leaving him. He attempted to speak but all that came out was a whine and he could do nothing but shake his head. Once, then twice before settling his forehead against his shoulder, letting his body weight lean against her. The weakest attempt for him to find comfort yet.

[Hikaru]

She knew that sound. She knew it well. Hikaru herself had grown up choking back and silencing her own sobs. Silencing her own weakness.

Hikaru flicked her eyes away from Jasper, she wouldn't have wanted to be seen crying either, but she didn't leave. Couldn't. One part of her wanted to, to give him privacy in this moment of weakness. But the majority of her knew that was foolish. She couldn't leave him like this. But... what was she supposed to do??

Hikaru blinked and brought her eyes back to Jasper when she felt his weight against her. Hikaru's body tensed naturally, unaccustomed to physical proximity out side violence. It took her a moment to force her body to relax and then... awkwardly cradle Jasper. Her movements were stiff, unaccustomed, but there was a genuine honesty in wanting to help.

The poor woman was miles out of her element. Her mind trying to juggle options on what she was supposed to do in a time like this?? What was she supposed to say? She had no previous experiences to draw upon, and when she tried to ask herself what she would want... well she would have wanted to be left alone, right? But... for some reason that seemed like the wrong thing to do right now.

She didn't want to leave Jasper alone.

So she remained quiet, and held him.

[Jasper]

Despite how awkward the embrace must have been for Hikaru, Jasper sought after the comfort she provided. He was forever grateful for the sentiment and the protection she now brought to the table. Some part of him amongst all the madness swirling in his mind finally calmed to some degree. As if Hikaru was the physical leverage that he needed to battle against the darkness that threatened to consume him. He suddenly felt much safer in the confines of his own tent. As if everything wasn't as drowning as it had been mere moments ago. However, it still did not cease the sobs that now made his chest hurt.

He continued the pitful heartbreaking noise for a few more moments. He attempted to desperately reel back his emotions but to no success, and his head stung with the pain that crying brought. His eyes burned from how many tears he had shed and he had no way to cope properly from the pain that bore down on him. He knew he could no longer hold this alone, and no matter what he would have to confide in Hikaru. Trust her with this new information that he truly did not want to share but had too.

Each breath continued to be a struggle but somehow his croaky sore voice prevailed above the struggle. "Oh gods," His voice trembled as the heel of his palms rubbed at his eyes. A weak attempt to sweep tears away. "Hikaru," He choked, "Oh gods, I can't do this anymore. I can't- I just can't...!" He shook his head, his words fumbling into the territory of senseless rambling. "I should have known better, should have done better, I can't believe I've done this. I can't believe I did that to him. He made me promise- I promised him and I went through with it...!"

[Hikaru]

Awkwardly Hikaru shifted her hold on Jasper and pulled out a soft cloth. She pressed it into his hands so he could wipe more effectively at the tears that coursed down his face. She swallowed hard when he spoke again, the way he choked on her name was... there was something painful about it? She didn't understand why.

Hikaru shifted her hold on Jasper, helping prop him a little more firmly and then settled herself down more comfortably, "What... what do you mean, sir?"

The poor soldier's brain tried to pick apart her superior's words, translate them into something she could... do something about. Something more than just sit here in utter confusion and at a loss. Give her an enemy to fight. Some one to punch. Something physical she could throttle. She wasn't qualified to fight the inner-demons that Jasper seemed to be fighting with.

[Jasper]

He hardly noticed as she shifted into a more comfortable position, more lost in his own grief to register anything outside of it. Not even the volume of his own voice as it grew weaker and more broken. Words falling from his mouth that most certainly weren't English or any human known language as he trapped himself in his agony. His hands rested over his eyes while his thoughts darted back and forth between the guilt and the knowledge that what he did had to be done. It was for the good of his army, but still, it did not lessen the torment.

"I-" His breath fell short as bile raised in his throat, the sudden feeling of acid climbed up into his mouth as though he were to be sick any moment. "I... I had Simba killed. It's my fault he's dead. It's my fault Nala and her family are suffering, I did it, Hikaru." There was no weight relieved from his shoulders only more agony that clung to him like the burden it still was. "I had made Simba a promise that if he were to lose his way like his Uncle did I would stop him... I-" His words stopped agonizingly short, explaining it did not help. It was not an excuse but too much played on his thoughts and conscience.

"I made him a promise. I am one of those who are at fault for his death..." There was no sobs that were expelled, only the horror of what he had done and the silence that settled in the room around them.

[Hikaru]

A blink.



A slight crease to her brow.



The only signs Hikaru gave of the war of feelings inside her. What was Jasper saying? He... what?

"I... I had Simba killed. It's my fault he's dead. It's my fault Nala and her family are suffering, I did it, Hikaru."

The fallen leader of the Freedom Fighters. Jasper had him killed? How? Did he order his death? Or... she didn't understand. Simba had been the leader of the Freedom Fighters. However, he had been assassinated in retaliation to Jafar's own murder. Jasper had rose into the leadership position in the face of the vacuum Simba had left. It had been an assassination.

From his own second in command?

"Sir, I don't understand," her voice was still it's customary quiet tone, but it some how still seemed to press through the sound of Jasper's grief, "What do you mean that you had him killed?"

[Jasper]

The thought of even just looking in Hikaru became just too much for Jasper. He refused to meet her gaze, guilt heavy on his shoulders as he relived the events of Simba's death. The Gorge, the ambush, and even Rafael's report. All of it had come back to him, like some treasure chest had been cracked open into his mind and even if he wished it would stop he could not get it too. He trusted Hikaru, considered her family but even this information was too much to share.

He dragged his fingers through his hair, as if to tie his nerves back together with no success.

"Sir, I don't understand, what do you mean that you had him killed?"

There was a long pause of silence as if he was trying to come to terms with what had just happened. It was an effort but his gaze slid over to Hikaru's red hues. "Simba sent half of our army to kill Jafar... We lost everyone in that fight except for two people. We lost everyone because of him, and he didn't show an ounce of regret." He shook his head. "I knew... I... I didn't want to, I tried to talk sense into him but after Clopin left he just-" He stiffened, almost hearing the maddened laughs of Simba in his head. In public, he acted fine, a gem among his people but in private he was a tyrant. Someone who had let the power go to his head, and this war? Well, it was the turning point for the would-be Golden King.

"He lost it. He was going to send the rest of us into the fight... He was going to send his own kids into battle, Hikaru. I had to stop it, I didn't want to but it was necessary." There's another small pause as if he's hesitant to continue. "I... I reached out on a neutral area, to another army to have it done. I- it was wrong, I know it was but- I thought it would give us a chance to recover and it did. I set up a plan with the Legion... Simba's life, for the life of the rest of the Freedom Fighters. It saved them- It- It was a risk I had taken but..."

"Gods, I am so sorry..."

[Hikaru]

Hikaru's body grew as stiff as stone. Hikaru's previous expression, while passive, did show it's concern for Jasper's state... now there was absolutely nothing. As blank as paper.

Jasper had killed Simba.

He hadn't done the deed himself, of course. He ordered some one else to do the work. Some one like her. A tool to kill a person for his own needs. That almost made it worse...

No, that was too much. Jasper didn't have Sykes same smile and smug attitude. Jasper was honestly hurting. He had been rotting inside over this. But... his motives? Does that really condone murder. Murder from some one that the king had trusted? She knew nothing about Simba. Only that he had been a father, and a leader. She had only seen the mourning of the lions. She had no idea if Simba had really become as mad as Jasper was saying. But why would he lie when he was this destroyed over it?

Hikaru didn't know what to believe.

She had come to the Freedom Fighters because she no longer wanted to kill. To kill and torture. What Manchas had told her of this army... they sounded as if they had honor. While the Rogues were working towards the same goal as the Freedom Fighters, Hikaru never wanted to be put in the position of needing to torture again. Killing may be a necessary evil but... she didn't want to be another person's knife.

Jasper had seemed honorable. She was comfortable with giving him her loyalty... happy even? But...

Hikaru's eyes took in Jasper's tear streaked face twisted in tortured pain. Honest suffering.

She thought back to the scene she had seen at the graveyard. The row upon row of graves, and the mourning.

She thought of a blind orphan. She thought of many other orphans born of this decision.

Nothing was clear. Nothing made sense.

This was war...